Friday, May 17, 2013

Shame Cycle

I feel shameful after a binge.  It drives me crazy that I still at almost 31 years old have binge cycles.  I know what sets them off and I continue to do it from time to time. 

Sometimes, every once in a while, B and I enjoy a little herbal stimulants.  Although, it fully relaxes me and puts any nerves to a complete mellow, I also mentally give myself a free pass to eat and eat and eat.  I don't even think it is anything directly from the herbs, but instead just myself saying, F it, go for it, who cares.  I know I have a binging mentality.  I have had issues over shopping, over drinking, over eating, over working out.  It took years of hitting low points in each area to fix.  Whether it was racking up so much debt I couldn't sleep, which I paid off 100% every penny and now I rarely shop at all, or working out so much and so hard that I pass out on a treadmill, I used to push to an unhealthy place.  I know I am not perfect, but I have found a good place at 31 for almost all of my vices, except when I enjoy this little thing.  It isn't even enjoyable for me when I wake up the next morning feeling fat and lethargic.  I swear off it and then BAM it is in our apt. 

This is definitely something that I no longer want around me, not because I am against it, in fact I am a huge supporter of legalizing it, but because I become a fat ass from it!  I need B's support in keeping it out of the apt and I just haven't gotten it yet.  I will say again, we do this every once in the while, so it is not something that is in our apt a lot, but I feel it is a cycle.  We do it, get lazy and fat, then stop, I get back into shape, and we do it again. 

Well I want out of this cycle!  I am hoping putting it out there will nix any desire that I may have to do it again.  I want to be 100% balances on all my vices, including binge eating!!!!!  I promise to write every time I have a binge and what caused it.  It may  not work, but at least I will feel embarrassed putting it out there and think before eating everything in my kitchen! 

This weekend is actually a pretty relaxed one for the most part, I am getting my hair done though!  I'll put up a pic when it's finished!  Also, next week I'm going to attempt to do a version of the master cleanse from Mon-Fri.  My co-workers are out all week, so I will be doing lunch alone!  Perfect time to try this since I will have no pressure to socialize at lunch :)  Have a happy, healthy weekend!

No comments:

Post a Comment